okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
