sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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