no, he came in my armpit
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
