You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just invented taco cereal.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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