My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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