never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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