I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
