So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
