My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also, beer. Big fan.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
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