Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
