Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
