I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
