He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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