If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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