I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Randomize
