I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
