Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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