I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
