There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
