If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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