anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
