i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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