I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
