Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
