Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
