I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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