3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
