Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
