Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
