She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
