Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
