last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
