I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
