i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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