Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
