You smell like stripper and shame
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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