I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Come share oat with me in your robe
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
