Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
