Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
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