some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
