At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
