I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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