Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
