i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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