I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
