Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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