you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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