Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
