the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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