it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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