Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
