Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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