i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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