My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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