drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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