then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
