i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
