Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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