We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
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all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love