My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
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My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.