Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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